


c’est la vie

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Sparrow Academy (Umbrella Academy), Comedy, Family Dynamics, Gen, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, Narcotics Anonymous, No Apocalypse, Number Five | The Boy-centric, POV Alternating, POV Klaus Hargreeves, POV Number Five | The Boy, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, Post-Season/Series 02, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:35:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27159412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: "Do you want to build a snowman?" Klaus trilled. He had given up on knocking. "Come out, let's go and plaaay."Five gave the door an incredulous look."A snowman?" Five said. "It's July.""We can build a figurative snowman," Klaus said. "Made of good vibes and brotherly bonding."___________________Or, Klaus likes to bother- I mean bond with- Five.
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves, Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: Five is a problem solver [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 79
Kudos: 365





	1. Like a puppy

_Sibling relationships outlast marriages, survive the death of parents,_ _and resurface_ _after quarrels that would sink any friendship. They flourish in a thousand incarnations of closeness and distance, warmth, loyalty and distrust._

_― Erica E. Goode_

Klaus could not let even a _second_ pass in silence. No, he had to open his mouth as soon as he did the car’s door.

"John agrees with me!" Klaus declared. “Adeline thinks we’re full of shit, but she was outvoted in the end. So, there’s _that._ ”

Did Klaus really expect him to remember the names of the reprobates in his support group? Five did not, and would not, spare them a thought beyond their purpose to Klaus. He certainly wouldn’t keep tabs on whatever petty squabbles they might have among themselves.

Klaus buckled into his seat, babbling all the while. "And, in fact, he sees it as a step in the right direction. And, and didn't _you_ say something about incremental progress? Huh, Five?" 

Five gave him a flat look. "The hell are you talking about?" 

" _Alcohol_ , my man! The good old fashioned, _legal_ and _ethical_ consumption of-"

"Klaus." Five kept his eyes on the road as he pulled into traffic, but he knew he had his brother's attention just from his silence. "If you go on a bender I swear to god I will disown you." 

"What about drinking in moderation!" Klaus sputtered. "What about-"

"You wouldn't know moderation if it crawled up your ass and spawned in your stomach," Five growled. "You tell John the next time you see him that he can take his ideas with him to an early grave if he's so passionate about them." 

By now Klaus had mastered the art of the put upon sigh. "You're an absolute delight, Five. Has anyone ever told you that? Just the sweetest- ow!" 

Five glanced over. "I didn't hit you." 

" _Ben_ did! What the hell, man?!" 

Five blinked, peering into the back of the car where he presumed Ben's ghost was. "He can hit you?' 

Klaus shuddered. "It was more of a zap. He _claims_ it was an accident, but- ow!" 

Five smirked. "Good job, Ben." 

"You're both so mean to me!” Klaus said. “He says the second one was on purpose, and I for one-" 

“Shut up,” Five said. “You’re giving me a headache.” 

Klaus did not shut up.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Five had found that, while wearing Vanya's clothes, it was easier to pretend he was a sixteen year old. 

If that meant he and Klaus were pulled over less often, who was he to argue against the practicality of it? 

But they were still pulled over occasionally. And when Five could not produce a learner's permit Klaus would inevitably take the wheel, under the watchful eye of the friendly men in blue. 

"You're _below_ the speed minimum, Klaus." 

"There's a minimum?" 

"Yes, you idiot!" An impatient young woman was tailgating them and honked indignantly at their progress. Or lack thereof. Five flipped her off. "Speed up already." 

The woman finally had the bright idea to switch lanes. 

"I'm surprised you even have a valid license," Five said. "When's the last time you drove, anyway? Without me, I mean." 

Normally you couldn't get Klaus to shut up if you paid him, but Five had noticed a remarkable shift in his brother's disposition when he was behind the wheel. 

Namely, Klaus said as little as he could get away with. 

"Can I pull over now?" Klaus said. "I think we drove far enough." 

Five was tempted to say no, despite his frustration with their snail's pace. 

"One of these days," Five said. "We ought to go somewhere and practice." 

"That's a yes, right?" Klaus said. "Shut up, Ben! I'm concentrating." 

Five waited until they were safely parked to elaborate on his idea. "Klaus, you need to learn how to properly drive." 

"Eh, I know enough," Klaus said. "Hey, how did you learn about traffic laws in the apocalypse anyway?" 

Five closed his eyes for a moment, the way Vanya often did when she was calming herself. 

"Yeah! Even if there were still cars around," Klaus continued. "There wouldn't have been _pedestrians._ You wouldn't need to use your turn signal, no one would tailgate you! And-"

"I drove in populated areas while working for the Commission," Five said. "Now shut up for a minute." 

Closing his eyes, breathing, it was all useless. Five resigned himself to death by high blood pressure. 

"Oh! Did you get to use those old timey cars?" Klaus said. "Like the _oldest_ ones? I loved the style they had in the sixties, but I've seen some pictures of-" 

"What do you have a license for in the first place," Five said. "If not to _use_ it?" 

"Well, I only got it so I could buy drinks and cigarettes," Klaus said. "Technically, I could already buy them. But it's a lot less of a hassle with-" 

"You're learning to drive," Five said. "I'll find us a spot where-" 

"But what about the _ghosts_?" Klaus said. "Do you know how many people have died in car accidents?!" 

"Oh," Five said, frowning. "That _is_ a problem." 

"No shit!" Klaus said. "Look, I still have my license _because_ I don't use it. My excuse used to be that I didn't wanna drive under the influence, but…" 

Klaus looked over Five's head at something. They were sitting in a gas station parking lot along a busy intersection, in full view of the highway. 

"I can't drive," Klaus finished, lamely. "I just can't, okay?" 

Five peered at the highway. All there was for him to see were the cars peaceably making their way through. 

"Fair enough," Five said. "Get out of the driver's seat." 

Klaus happily did as he was told, for once. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Klaus was like a dog. Five said so to anyone who cared to listen, but he didn't think they fully understood what he meant. 

"Do you want to build a snowman?" Klaus trilled. He had given up on knocking. "Come out, let's go and _plaaay."_

Five gave the door an incredulous look. Klaus couldn't see it, but he imagined Ben poking his head through, or something. 

Perhaps shrugging apologetically. 

"A snowman?" Five said. "It's _July._ " 

Sometimes he wished he could just _see_ Ben. They wouldn't need to talk to understand each other. 

"We can build a figurative snowman," Klaus said. "Made of good vibes and brotherly bonding." 

Or maybe it would be better to hear Ben and not see him, Five thought. If he had to choose between the two.

"True, but _I_ get it," Klaus said. "I mean… I'd add it to the list, but Five banned musicals, remember?"

Technically, Klaus could manifest Ben in short bursts. Five had _seen_ him do it at least twice. But if he were to ask Klaus to go through the trouble what would he say to Ben? 

"It's not _my_ fault ABBA's songs are so catchy!" Klaus whined. 

Would Klaus be stuck in the room with them?

"Did he zap away?" Klaus said. "Well, just _check_. Please?"

Five rubbed at his forehead. Jumping into another room was tempting. But Klaus would track him down and act like they were playing hide and seek.

"I told you it's not spying, it's checking."

"Go bother Luther," Five said. "I'm busy." 

"Oh. Nevermind," Klaus said. "But seriously Ben it's not like you've never- okay okay! Sheesh." 

Reginald's notes on the healing serum were an incomprehensible series of finely crafted coding. The old man had been a paranoid bastard, but Five was starting to recognize a pattern. 

Maybe if he weren't interrupted so often he'd have cracked it by now. 

"Anyway, Luther's still on the phone with Allison," Klaus said. "He's been talking to her for _hours_." 

It irked Five that their father had considered his botched healing serum valuable enough to hide from prying eyes, but had not thought to do the same for his record of Vanya's vulnerabilities. Could the man have been any more _brainless_?

"I swear, he acts like she's his girlfriend," Klaus said. "Like they're in this dramatic long distance-"

" _Klaus,_ " Five said. "I will personally shove my hand down your throat and pull out your vocal cords if you do not learn to _shut up_ when-" 

"Fiiiiiive," Klaus whined. "Just come out for a second. Just a tiny little break, hmm?" 

"I don't need a break!" 

"Eat lunch with me," Klaus said. "You haven't had lunch yet, right?" 

Oh. Not only had he not had lunch, but breakfast had entirely slipped his mind. 

When Five opened the door, Klaus gasped. "He has graced us with his presence!" 

"Shut up," Five said.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Ow!" Klaus said. "Why are you always so _violent_?" 

"It's a positive punishment," Five said. "You'll learn to associate the pain with bad behavior." 

He'd caught Klaus drinking whiskey. 

"I am a _delicate,_ " Klaus paused. 

Five assumed he was listening to Ben, so he waited patiently.

"Nuh uh. I'm still a delicate flower child," Klaus continued, slapping his chest. "And therefore, defenseless!" 

"Then stay out of the fucking liquor cabinet," Five said.

Having said his peace, Five warped out of the room. 

He needed to get rid of all the drinks in the house. Remove the temptation altogether. 

It was one of those tasks that seemed important, but was easy to forget. There was just so much to _do._

"Dolores would have reminded me," Five muttered. "She knew how to keep me on task." 

Not for the first time, Five felt embarrassed to be speaking out loud in an empty room. 

He wondered if Dolores would think less of him if he paid her a visit. If she would laugh at him or, instead, be pleasantly surprised.

Why couldn't he just move on? 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


" _Excuse me_?" Five growled.

"Well, it was kind of a busted mannequin right?" The employee in front of Five was shrinking under his gaze. "It only had one arm, and-"

"So where _is_ she?" 

"Um, in the dumpster?" The man glanced around nervously. "Hey, where are your parents?" 

Five warped away without answering. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It took a few hours to find her. She’d already been sent to a landfill. 

When he finally spotted her arm poking out of the muck Five was slapped in the face with the most vivid sense of déjá vu he had ever experienced. 

_I suppose this is the part,_ Dolores said. _Where you say, ‘Oh my! We have_ ** _got_** _to stop meeting like this.’_

Five chuckled. “I would never insult you with a paltry line like that.” 

_You’ve never had a sense for romance_ , she said. _It’s meant to be frivolous, dear._

“Not for us,” Five said, brushing the dirt off her face. “We’re better than that.” 

_Speak for yourself,_ Dolores said. _I, for one, would love to be carried away on a… what are they using these days? Horses?_

Five sat back and crossed his arms together, pretending to scowl at her. “The wagon wasn’t good enough for you, then?” 

_We can do better,_ she said. _Nowadays, the world has so many options._

He looked at the skyline over their heads. At the moon, which was plainly visible in the daylight. 

“You’re right,” Five said. “But you’ll have to settle for the family car. I’m not going out of my way to get you a horse.” 

_Still better than a wagon_ , Dolores said, sounding quite pleased. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Fiiive, where’d you go?” Klaus materialized in the entryway, like a puppy waiting for its owner. “You were gone for so- oh!” 

He’d spotted Dolores. 

_Oh no_ , Dolores said. _I wish I looked more presentable._

“You look fine.” Five cleared his throat. “Klaus, you remember Dolores don’t you? Dolores, my brother Klaus.” 

_Five, I don’t think-_

“Enchanté, Dolores,” Klaus said, bowing dramatically. “You look like you’ve seen better days.” 

_Well, this is mortifying,_ Dolores said. _I need a bath. And a decent shirt-_

“There was a bit of an… ordeal at her store,” Five said. Then, to Dolores, “I can lend you something of mine for now.” 

Klaus clapped. “She needs a makeover! Oh, _oh_ , I should lend her something, my clothes are _way_ better.”

Dolores took note of the puffy sleeved shirt Klaus was wearing and seemed to agree. _I’d love to see his closet._

“You might lose whatever you lend her,” Five said, glancing between the two. “If she likes it enough she won’t want to give it back.” 

“Oh, pish posh,” Klaus said. “I do the same thing to Allison, I can survive a taste of my own medicine.” 

Five did not know what to say to that.

_You’re meant to say ‘thank you,’ dear._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Why did you have these wigs in the first place?” Five said. 

Dolores was sporting a modest brunette bob, her preference over the garish bubble gum pink and electric green options. 

“As if it’s weird for a pan cis man to own a couple wigs?” Klaus said. 

_I don’t think it’s weird_ , Dolores said. 

Five rubbed his chin. “But I’ve never seen you… wear one.”

Granted, he’d missed over seventeen years of Klaus’s life. 

“Oh, I had a bit of a drag phase.” Klaus pinched Five’s cheek, jumping back when Five attempted to bite him. “Don’t worry your pretty little head over it! That was a long time ago.” 

“A drag phase,” Five echoed. “Wait, what do you mean a pan cis man?”

“Pansexual,” Klaus said. “Cisgender.” 

New words, Five thought. He’d have to look them up. 

_Tell him I said thank you,_ Dolores said. 

“Well, I’m glad you kept the wigs,” Five said. “You look nice, Dolores.”

 _Five,_ Dolores admonished.

“Tres bien!” Klaus held his hand out. “High five for the stylist?” 

_Five,_ Dolores repeated. Exasperated. 

Five sighed. “Thank you, Klaus.” 

Klaus’s hand was still held up, waiting for his high five. Klaus stared at it, then looked at Five.

“Not a high five,” Klaus said, lowering his arm. “But… oh my gosh… I think that’s the _first time_ you’ve ever thanked me.” 

“Shut up.” 

“This is a _historic_ moment!” 

Klaus hugged him and Five tolerated the contact for twenty seconds before warping out of his hold.

“See, Dolores?” Five gritted out. “Look what you’ve done!” 

She sat lounging on Klaus’s bed in her new blouse and wig, acting as if the pillow was actually a front row seat at Carnegie Hall. 

Klaus lunged for him and Five warped again. 

“Let me _love you_!” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Ben says you keep forgetting to eat breakfast," Klaus called through the door. "And he also says you've been up since 5 a.m., which he knows for a fact cause he's a _shameless_ spy who watches you- ow!" 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"We're watching another movie," Klaus said. "Mom picked this one out, she says it's supposed to be super boring and artistic, so you _have_ to come and watch it!" 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Did you call Allison back yet?" Klaus said. "She thinks you hate her. Seriously, you need to call her back. Andale, rápido! ASAP, for real. Or she'll _cry._ "

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Okay, so I know we agreed that Wednesdays are off limits," Klaus said. "But hear me out!" 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Five, Five, Five listen to this!" Klaus said. "Diego's in jail! You'll never guess what he did. C'mon, try and guess." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Oh my gosh, _Five_ ," Klaus said. "I was visiting an old fuck buddy of mine and it turns out I left a shit ton of clothes at his place when I was, like, nineteen? And you need to come out here _right now_ and try these clothes on because they'll fit you _perfectly_ and also look way better than Vanya's clothes!" 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Fiiiiiive!" Klaus said. "Come out! Just for five minutes! Honor thy name!" 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Hey are the bro dates negotiable?" Klaus said. "Usually Saturday's the best day for stuff, but there's this bar downtown- which I will _not_ be drinking at- but they have an open mike night on Fridays and-" 

Five didn't understand why his siblings still flinched when he jumped in front of them. They _knew_ about his spatial jumps. They saw him use them all the time. 

And yet. 

"Jesus fucked a cracker!" Klaus said. 

Five rolled his eyes. "Friday is a training day."

"I know, but I already talked to Vanya and she said she can switch with me this week." 

Five considered him. "I don't trust you in a bar." 

"But you'll be with me the whole time," Klaus said. "And, and it's one of those wholesome bars that puts an X on your hand if you're a minor- or if you look like a minor, in your case- and if you want I'll put an X on _my_ hand before we go?" 

"Hmm." 

"Ben says he'll zap me if I misbehave," Klaus said. "And- what?! I am _not_ doing that." 

"I think you _will_ tell me what Ben said." Five examined his nails, making a big show of his nonchalance. "Or I'll call Vanya and say she can't switch her training day with your bro date." 

Klaus facepalmed. "You made it worse!" 

Five hummed. "Well?" 

Klaus glared at the air between them.

Reluctantly, Klaus said, "Ben so _helpfully_ suggested that I change my intro." 

"I'm sorry," Five said. "Your what?" 

"For open mike night," Klaus said. "I wrote this whole, like… Ben, what's it called? It's not a speech. Is it a bit?" 

As far as Five knew 'open mike night' had something to do with karaoke.

Klaus snapped his fingers. "An act! I wrote an act." 

"What, like a play?" 

"No, it's jokes," Klaus said. " _Oh_. Stand up! That's what it's _really_ called, Ben, you got it wrong. It was on the tip of my tongue." 

"So you're going to get in front of a room full of drunken idiots," Five said. "And tell _jokes_?" 

"Exactly." Klaus looked rather pleased by the prospect. 

"Why?" 

" _Because_ , Five." Klaus grinned and puffed out his chest, hands on his hips and chin in the air. "It's my calling." 

"Uh huh," Five said. "And why are you involving me, exactly?" 

"Huh?" 

"It seems like a solitary endeavor," Five said. "I'm not very well going to be playing a role in your _act_ now am I?" 

Klaus huffed. "But I want you in the audience!" 

Five opened his mouth with a retort, but Klaus plowed on.

"Diego and Vanya already made time," Klaus said. "And Luther said he'll put Allison on video chat so she can watch from California." 

Five scratched the back of his neck. "Then it's a family outing, I suppose." 

Klaus perked up. "Does that mean you're going?" 

"I don't think I have a choice," Five sighed. 

"Woo!" Klaus said. "You won't regret this!"

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Hey. Hi. Hello," Klaus said. "I'm Klaus. And I'm an addict." 

There were a few chuckles at that, but mostly a puzzled silence. 

"I only bring it up cause we're in a bar," Klaus said. "And my _adorable_ baby brother doesn't trust me in bars." 

More laughter this time. Plus an audible _'Aw!'_

"He's in the audience tonight, watching me like a hawk." Klaus pointed towards Five. "He's the minor in the back, dressed like a lesbian and scowling like an angry Chihuahua." 

Five had _read_ Klaus's act ahead of time, but he still glowered in response to that line. 

"Anyway, he trusts me as far as he can throw me," Klaus said. "So I had to do a few things to assure him that I would be on my best behavior tonight." 

Klaus displayed the back of his hands toward the crowd. "Now does anyone here believe that I am below the age of twenty one?" 

He paused for an answer. No one answered, so Luther shouted, "Uh, I don't believe it!"

Klaus pointed at him. "Fuck you, sir!" 

Startled laughter. 

"But seriously, isn't this a great idea?" Klaus examined his hands. "The bartender already knows not to sell a drink to the kids with an X."

"But what about an alcoholic who really _really_ wanted to come tonight?" Klaus tapped his chin. "You know, just for the _wholesome_ delight of watching me stand up here and disgrace my family." 

"Well, fear no more alcoholics! You, too, can join us in this fine establishment and if your will is weak, the marker is permanent." 

"Anyway, if even a drop of alcohol- or any other intoxicant!- makes it to my bloodstream you will all be considered accomplices," Klaus said. "Which doesn't sound too intimidating, but also consider this: My brother will murder you. Literally, he'll kill you all." 

This got the loudest laugh of the night. 

"Look at him back there. He's glaring at us!" Klaus said. "That is the face of a man-boy with no remorse. A homicidal maniac just waiting for us to let our guards down. But don't worry, I'm staying sober tonight. For your safety." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I'd like to emphasize the fact that _narcotics_ anonymous has one goal and one goal only," Klaus said. "Which is to get us off the hard stuff. Or, at least, the illegal hard stuff. Let me tell you, some of the shit that's legal in this country is _crazy_ hard. Like, someone spiked my drink with Viagra levels of hard. All you have to do is cry in front of the right doctor." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"And while it's true that I've never worked a day in my life," Klaus said. "That doesn't mean I haven't, you know, _worked._ It's just, I wasn't getting paid in _money_ , if you catch my drift." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Before I go I just want to dedicate this thing to my brother Five," Klaus said. "Is that something I can do?" 

"Yeah you can!" A woman in the front row said. 

"Thank you, random patron," Klaus said. "For giving me your blessing. Hey Five, could you stand up for a second?" 

This wasn't in the script. 

"Just for a second!" Klaus said. 

Vanya elbowed him. Five stood and shoved his hands in his pockets, shifting uncomfortably as the audience gawked at him. 

They'd been rubbernecking him all night, but not all at once. 

And he felt exposed, standing like this. He was tempted to warp out of the bar. 

"I know I say this a lot," Klaus said. "But I feel like you don't really take me seriously because I make it sound like a joke. Or I'm drunk. Or both." 

The crowd was oddly subdued now. Someone giggled and was hushed. 

"But I _love_ you," Klaus said. "I really do. And I appreciate what you've been doing for me." 

Five tactfully kept his eyes on the ceiling.

Klaus turned to the audience. "Folks he's been personally driving me to my NA meetings!" 

A few of the patrons cheered. 

"Afterwards we do something fun together," Klaus said. "Whatever I want, can you believe that?" 

More cheers. Someone clapped for a second, but quickly got embarrassed and stopped.

Five wanted to sit back down. 

"Anyway," Klaus said. "I want to do something for you too, Five. But I'm kind of useless." 

There was an awkward pause and Klaus cleared his throat. 

"I'll think of something," Klaus said. "Eventually." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben: Five doesn't get your Frozen reference, Klaus!
> 
> Klaus: True, but WE get it. *looks at the audience* Don't we?


	2. A good brother

_Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths._

_― Edith Summerskill_

“And then she said ‘Comedy is supposed to be relatable,’” Klaus said. “I told her, ‘Lady, I see _dead people._ ” 

They were sitting on plastic chairs arranged in a circle inside some old gym. It was a decent place, all around, but haunted.

The scrawny half naked man who was busy pacing around the perimeter of the gym (and who had definitely OD’d on a sidewalk somewhere) gave Klaus a scorching look of contempt. 

“Goddammit,” the ghost said. “Another fucking skitzo.” 

“I’m not a skitzo,” Klaus protested. The ghost perked up at that and Ben facepalmed.

“Nobody thinks that,” John rushed to reassure. “We know you’re perfectly sane, Klaus.” 

John was one of those counselors who tried to "fit in" with casual clothes and visible tattoos. Today he was wearing pale blue jeans with an Avenge Sevenfold T-shirt.

“Hoooly shit,” the ghost said. “You can actually see me?”

“That’s an offensive term,” Adeline sniffed. She was a fifty something “twenty two years clean” addict. She said something else, but Klaus missed it because now the ghost was walking into the circle, jabbering away.

“This is wild!” the ghost said. “Hey, tell John that Corvoy is in da house, yeah?” 

“Can you wait until the meeting is over?” Ben said. “He can pass your message along when they’re done.” 

Klaus tried to focus on Adeline. “I'm _so sorry,_ ” he told her. "I did not mean to step on your delicate sensibilities."

“What are you, his secretary?” Corvoy said. 

Adeline glowered and opened her mouth, but Klaus pointedly waved the talking stick over his head. 

“Sure, I’m his secretary,” Ben said. "So just-"

“Does someone _else_ want the talking stick?” Klaus said, blinking innocently at Adeline. “I think I’ve been hogging it.” 

"... come back later," Ben finished.

“Well, hold on now,” John said. “Before we let you go I wanted to ask you how you’ve been doing on the alcohol front.” 

Klaus pouted. Corvoy rolled his eyes and went back to pacing around the gym, pointedly walking _through_ Klaus to leave the circle. 

Klaus shivered. “Uh, I thought we agreed that this is _Narcotics_ -”

“It’s still an intoxicant!” Adeline said.

“She never respects the talking stick,” Ben huffed. 

_You_ don't respect the talking stick, Klaus thought.

Klaus sighed. “My brother got rid of all the drinks in the house.” 

“And how do you feel about that?” John said. 

Klaus pictured Five’s condescending smirk and winced. “A little… annoyed.” 

Ben frowned at him. “Five worries-”

“I get _why_ he did it,” Klaus said, looking at Ben now. “I know that he's worried. And that he cares about me. I'm grateful, okay?"

"You can be honest here," John said.

"I'm not accusing you of being ungrateful," Ben said. 

"It's okay to be annoyed," John added. "Or even a little resentful."

"Is that it?" Ben said, eyes widening. "You resent Five?"

"I'm not resentful," Klaus said. "It's just...what did he _do_ with it? That’s what’s driving me crazy. We had a whole ass bar, it was fully stocked, and he… what, did he give all that booze away? Or did he just chuck it all into a dumpster somewhere?” 

“You had a _bar_ in your house?” An oily looking guy in an oversized army jacket looked offended by this news. Klaus couldn’t remember his name, but whatever. He didn’t have the talking stick.

“Either way, Five made a whole lot of homeless people happy,” Klaus said. “Which, I guess I’m happy for them!” 

“You don’t sound happy, dude,” Ben said.

“Well.” John held out his hand for the talking stick. “Thanks for sharing, Klaus.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"It's not too late to change tracks." Five looked every bit the surly teenager, pouting up at the sun with a hand shading his eyes. "We've only lost an hour. The day is young, yada yada." 

They were standing in the longest line at the amusement park. 

"It's not too late," Klaus retorted. "To wear your sunhat." 

Five was wearing his schoolboy shorts and- bless him!- a t-shirt. On account of the weather and all. Yet he'd refused the adorable sunhat. Klaus fingered the rim of his own and whistled a cheery tune. "It's so nice and shady under here!" 

"I'm not wearing the hat," Five said. 

Klaus waggled his eyebrows and held the extra hat over Five's head to tease him with the shade. "You _sure_?" 

Five’s sunhat had a light blue ribbon on it, to contrast with the pink ribbon on Klaus’s. So they could be matching, but not _too_ matching.

Five smacked the hat away and with a _whoosh_ it was gone. In its place: a towel. 

" _Oh_ ," Klaus said, dropping the towel in surprise. "I forgot you could swap things."

Five looked sheepish. "I... did not mean to do that." 

Klaus picked up the towel and examined the oh so tasteful palm trees against a colorful orange and blue backdrop. "I'm so keeping thiiis. Feels like a fair trade, right?" 

"Shouldn't you be worried?" Ben said. "Five doesn't just… lose control of his powers. That's not normal." 

Klaus scrutinized his littlest oldest brother. The guy was definitely working up a sweat. And he was looking a bit... twitchy. 

But Five was always kind of twitchy, wasn't he? 

"Just ask yourself this," Five said. "Is the time wasted baking under the sun worth the sliver of supposed _amusement_ we'll get at the end?" 

"It's the _Cyclone_ , Five," Klaus said. " _The_ best roller coaster in New York. It's definitely worth the line, trust me." 

"Maybe he's feeling claustrophobic?" Ben said. "All these people standing so close to us-"

"Have you been here before?" Five demanded. 

Klaus squinted at him. "No?" 

"Don't lie to me." Definitely twitchy. Five looked seconds away from strangling someone. 

"I'm sorry, where in the bro date handbook does it say we have to do things I haven't done before?" Klaus wrapped the towel around his neck like a scarf, pointedly tossing one end over his shoulder with a flounce. 

Five looked away, grumbling to himself. 

"Why can't you ever pick something _he_ likes?" Ben said. "We could go to a museum, or-"

" _You_ want to go to a museum," Klaus said. "Don't try and use Five as your excuse." 

Five always zeroed in on the conversation if it sounded like Ben wanted something. "What museum? Ben wants to visit a museum?" 

Klaus rubbed at the back of his neck and gestured at Five in a _you heard him_ kind of way, but Ben just stood there looking embarrassed. 

" _What_ museum, Klaus." 

"He didn't say," Klaus said. "Anyway I thought Saturday was _my_ day, hmm? I went to my NA meeting like a good boy, didn't I?" 

" _Klaus_." 

"I didn't have any particular museum in mind," Ben said. "I just… I think they'd be peaceful? They _seem_ peaceful."

"Huh," Klaus said. "The only time we ever stepped foot in one was during a mission, wasn't it? Those idiots trying to steal some fancy paintings." 

Five massaged his temples. "I'll compile a list of museums in the city. He has no idea how to pick, right?" 

"Doesn't it warm your heart, Ben?" Klaus put an arm around Five's shoulder and kissed him on the forehead. 

Five stiffened but didn't react otherwise. 

"He can't even _hear_ you and you're still his favorite." Klaus mimed wiping a tear from his eye. "Your bond is beautiful." 

Ben rolled his eyes

"Don't sulk," Five said. "I won't infringe on your Saturdays." 

"Oh?" Klaus said. "Then when will we go to the museum?" 

The line started to move and Five shrugged Klaus's arm off his shoulder to step forward. "I can go by myself on… Thursday, maybe." 

"By himself?" Ben said. 

"By yourself?" Klaus echoed.

"I mean, Ben can come with me," Five said. "If he doesn't mind you not being there to… translate." 

Ben had a funny smile on his face. It was two parts elated, three parts devastated.

"What, so I'm not invited?" Klaus said. "I see how it is!" 

"You didn't even want to go to the museum," Ben muttered. 

"And I still don't," Klaus said. "But I'd like to have the _option_." 

"Fine, you can have the option," Five said. "Come, don't come, I don't give a shit." 

Then Five craned his neck trying to peek around the line of people in front of them. "Are we _any_ closer? We moved two centimeters!" 

"Patience, my child." Klaus adopted what he still thought of as his _prophet_ voice. "The sliver of amusement at the end of our journey will be brief, but as we tumble through the air screaming our lungs out you'll think: Fuck yeah! And know I was right." 

"Call me your child again and you can tumble through the air _right now_ ," Five growled. 

"Noted." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I'm gonna stay down here," Ben said. "Since there aren't any empty seats or anything." 

Klaus nodded solemnly. "I respect your sacrifice." 

The employee manning the roller coaster gave Klaus a hesitant smile. "Thank you?" 

"Ignore my brother," Five said. "He thinks he's some kind of movie character." 

With a nod the employee awkwardly shuffled off, going about the tedious process of lowering the safety bar on each of the carriages behind them. 

“Hey, I would _kill it_ on the red carpet,” Klaus said. “Give Allison a run for her money, I bet.” 

“Is this bar really all that separates us from certain death?” Five said. “Car seatbelts are more secure than this.” 

“My, my, _my_ ,” Klaus breathed. “Is little Five afraid of heights?” 

Five bared his teeth in that threatening way of his. “You’ve seen me scale a building more than once.” 

Klaus thought about it as the coaster slowly made its ascent up the tracks. “You know, I think I’ve seen you jump _off_ a building too.” 

“Well, there you go.”

“But,” Klaus continued. “You never really fell, did you? You would just… teleport to the ground.” 

“So?”

Klaus noted the way Five’s shoulders were hunched up at his ears. The way he was eyeballing the tracks ahead of them. His scowling face.

“Are you nervous?” Klaus said. “Want me to hold your hand?” 

“Fuck off,” Five said.

“There’s no shame in it!”

“Fuck. _Off._ ”

It was way too easy to tease Five. 

“Here we go, here we go!” Klaus cheered the coaster on as they climbed to the very top of the first loop. Five seemed to hold his breath. “Hold on to your lunch, bitches!” 

What happened next was something he would never let Five live down. 

Two seconds into the stomach dropping fall, Five flinched and warped out of his seat. Just poof! And he was gone. 

Klaus laughed his ass off all the way home.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"My _dearest_ mother." Klaus sauntered into the kitchen and directed his sunniest smile at Mom, who was in the process of cleaning their fridge. "Every time I see you I am shocked anew by the brilliant accuracy of your name. From your perfectly coiffed hair to your eternally stylish heels, you're not only graceful but prettier than a painting. _And_ ten times as useful!" 

Mom returned his smile with a dazzling one of her own. "Thank you, dear." 

"You do realize she's not someone you have to butter up?" Ben said. 

But Mom really did look super-model perfect, even while scrubbing the fridge. Her rubber gloves matched the apron neatly tied over her sun dress. 

Klaus examined the miscellaneous food items spread out on the table and picked up an apple, biting savagely into it while giving Ben the finger. 

"Oh, are you hungry?" Mom said. "I noticed you skipped breakfast again. And lunch." 

"This _is_ his breakfast," Ben said, judgy as ever. "You know, maybe if you woke up before 3 p.m. you could at least catch Luther for lunch. Five even ate with him today." 

"Just a bit peckish," Klaus said. "But don't mind me." 

There was a lot of tupperware on the table. After finishing the apple Klaus opened the biggest container and found lasagna. He cheered. "I'll just pop this in the microwave." 

Mom primly removed her rubber gloves and swooped in to rescue the lasagna. "Klaus, dear, I think this will taste so much better if you reheat it in the oven instead." 

She pointedly pressed _preheat_ on the oven before Klaus could actually agree to the suggestion.

"I really don't think I'll notice the diff-" 

With a crackle and familiar flash of blue light, Five was suddenly in the kitchen with them. 

To Klaus's delight the unbuttoned green dress shirt Five was wearing was one of the ones he'd talked Vanya into planting in her closet. It was short sleeved and trimmed in at the waist, and thus _much_ more flattering than any of the other shirts in her wardrobe.

But it was weird that Five was wearing it wide open, brazenly bare chested. 

"His hair is dripping wet," Ben noted. "Ask him what's-"

"Mother," Five said. He spoke in that careful way that told Klaus that Five was _pissed._ "What, exactly, are these things _called_?"

Klaus stared at the bundle of blue plastic in Five's hand and then looked between Ben and Mom, hoping one of them would have some sort of explanation. 

"My, my," Mom said, regarding the bundle of plastic mesh as if it were a disappointing report card. "I see you've dismantled another loofah." 

_Oh_. Looking closer, it did kind of look like a fucked up shower loofah. Klaus giggled when he realized what must have happened. Ben sighed, "Oh, Five…"

"They just _unravel_!" Five roughly yanked the lid off the trashcan and shoved the former loofah inside. "Who designed these damn things? They have the structural integrity of a toothpick tower." 

"Oh!" Klaus said. "Had to make a tower out of straws in rehab once. I bet toothpicks would have been a lot harder, where'd you have to do that?" 

"I'll get you another loofah, dear," Mom said. "But please watch your language." 

Then she calmly went about scooping lasagna into a tray for the oven. 

Five stood staring into the trash can, hair dripping sad little blotches onto the _good_ shirt Klaus had finally tricked him into wearing. 

"No, Mom," Five said. "I don't want another loofah. I want the opposite of a loofah." 

"Does his skin look red to you?" Ben said. "He must have been scrubbing too hard or something." 

"What's the opposite of a loofah?" Klaus said. "Rolling around in mud?" 

"Don't be silly," Mom said. "Only pigs and elephants enjoy mud baths." 

Five pinched the bridge of his nose with both hands and breathed _very_ deeply. 

"Uh oh," Klaus said. "He's about to erupt." 

"Shut up, Klaus," Five said. "I'm trying to think." 

"Tell Mom she should get him a sponge," Ben said. "Like… like the ones she washes dishes with? But, uh, for people." 

"Do they make sponges for people?" Klaus said. "I've seen those really big ones that you can wash cars with." 

Five's head snapped up. "A sponge! Yes, that would be much better. Or a washcloth." 

"Uh-"

"I don't know why I was trying to use those things in the first place," Five continued. "They're clearly… inadequate." 

"Alright, sweetie." Mom smiled at Five, but then she turned to Klaus. "Don't put the lasagna in until _after_ the oven is done preheating." 

"But it takes so loooong."

"Well. Goodbye," Five said. He blinked out of the kitchen. 

"He's always so tense," Ben said. "I wish we could help him relax." 

"I'll get right on that," Klaus said. "As soon as you figure out how we could possibly accomplish such a thing." 

Mom tilted her head at him, but quickly realized Klaus wasn't talking to her. She was observant like that. 

"Didn't you say you wanted to do something for him?" Ben said. "Or are you all talk?" 

"I _did_ do something," Klaus said. "Didn't you see his shirt?" 

Ben sighed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Wailing. Moaning. Shrieking ghosts. They wouldn’t _shut up_. What the fuck did they expect Klaus to do, exactly? He couldn’t save them. They were _dead_.

“Move the hell on,” Klaus muttered. “It’s the middle of the niiiight.”

“It’s 11 a.m, Klaus!” The ghost screeched. “Get _up._ ”

Klaus groaned and tried to plug his ears with a pillow. 

“Seriously, get up.” Shrill cries notwithstanding, Klaus realized it was actually Ben harassing him this time. “There’s this store you need to go to and they close at 5 p.m. so you can’t just sleep all day.” 

Klaus gave him the finger and hunkered down in his comfy bed.

“Klaus, _please_.” The crack in Ben’s voice spoke of unshed ghostly tears. “Please, just for today? It’s for Five.” 

“5 p.m. for Five,” Klaus laughed. “There’s plenty of time for whatever it is, calm down.” 

“If I don’t wake you up now you’ll get up at like, two or three,” Ben said. “And then you’ll shuffle around, you’ll say you have to eat first. You’ll say you need a cute outfit. And before you know it it’ll be past five and too late!”

Ghosts were so noisy.

“Klaus!”

“Move oooon,” Klaus said. “The great beyond is great! And beyond!”

“ _Klaus._ ”

“Let me sleeeeep.” 

Klaus felt the chill of a ghost’s aura looming over him. He opened his eyes and saw that Ben was laying down on the bed now, inching closer. “Don’t make me zap you.”

They’d learned that there was some kind of an electric current involved in the possession process. When Ben tried to force his “soul” or whatever into Klaus’s body, Klaus had naturally developed a defense mechanism to kick him out.

And it stung like a bitch. 

Klaus sat up, eying him wearily. “This is _abuse_.” 

“Get dressed,” Ben said. 

“You’re _abusive_.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Tell them you’re looking for Create Paint White,” Ben said. 

The hardware store was like the one Dave had been working at. Full of tools and wood, doorknobs and… and paint. 

Except it was twice the size of the one Dave had worked at. And a lot fancier. There was a section of the store with mock kitchens set up. And patio furniture. And-

“Klaus!” 

“Right, right.” Klaus walked up to an employee and cleared his throat. “Uh, I’m looking for creative paint?” 

“Create Paint White,” Ben said. “The dry erase board stuff.”

“Dry erase paint,” Klaus said. “Like, that can turn your wall into a chalkboard?”

“A white board,” Ben said. “A dry erase board.” 

“A dry erase board,” Klaus said. “Do you guys sell that stuff?” 

The employee gave Klaus a puzzled smile. “Um… let me ask my manager?” 

“They have it!” Ben said. “They should have it here.” 

“Don’t get your panties in a twist,” Klaus said. “I’m sure they have it.” 

Luther cleared his throat and politely directed his gaze at the air, where he thought Ben might be.

“This is a really nice thing, Ben. I think Five will love it.” 

“Tell him I said thanks for coming,” Ben said. 

“He says get ready to put those muscles to work,” Klaus said. “Cause we all know you’ll be doing the heavy lifting here.” 

Luther laughed. “Ben didn’t say that.” 

“He did!” Klaus said. “And he also said you should flirt with that girl over there.”

Klaus pointed to a young lady who was straining to reach a swatch of fabric hanging from a hook too far over her head. Luther looked from Klaus to the woman, eyes widening. 

“C’mon, big fella,” Klaus said. “Put your height to good use!”

“Do you have to tease him like that?” Ben said. 

“Do it for _Ben_.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Before I allow this…” Five waved a hand at the paint cans Luther had hauled into his room. “This _project._ I need to be assured that we can document what I’ve already written.” 

Klaus whipped his phone out, quick as anything. “We’ll take pictures of it. No sweat.”

Five frowned at the phone. “And how will I access those pictures? Can you print them out for me?”

"Sure, sure," Klaus said. "We'll print them out later." 

Five glared at the phone. He was such an old man, grouchy and distrustful of technology.

"Print them in what dimensions?" Five said. "And, what, in monochrome? I believe that's the standard, but I'm not sure my notes will be legible that way." 

Luther stood behind Five with one of those big rolling paint brushes, tense like a man waiting for the whistle blow at the start of a race. 

"Um," Klaus said. "Yes." 

Five pursed his lips and turned to Luther. "You might as well go back to your regular business," he said. "There'll be no painting today." 

"There won't?" Luther said. 

Ben just hovered behind them nervously, biting his lip. He kept glancing from the wall to Five and back again. 

"I need to see my work safely transitioned first," Five said. "In case something goes wrong and we need to take more pictures."

Klaus tried to get a good look at the squiggles Ben was studying, but Ben was blocking his view.

"I should have thought about that part," Ben said. "About his… his work."

"Well, uh, just let me know when you guys need me," Luther said. "You know I'm happy to help."

Five nodded and Luther awkwardly shuffled out of the room. Klaus had to sit on the bed to make way for him and once he was down he was tempted to lay back and hide beneath the covers.

"Oh my god," Klaus said. "We've barely done anything yet and I'm already exhausted." 

Ben and Five both rolled their eyes at him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Luther easily painted three walls by himself, while Klaus and Five worked on the fourth together. They started at opposite ends and were working towards the middle. 

"We don't have a deadline," Five told Luther. "What were you rushing for?" 

The stepladder he was perched on let him reach the ceiling, but Five's spindly little arms could only work so fast. He painted in small, careful strokes. 

Klaus painted in small, lazy strokes, with Ben nagging in his ear. 

"I just think it's funny," Luther said with a grin. "That I actually finished _three_ walls before you guys could do _one_." 

"Good job, Number One," Klaus trilled. He put his brush down so he could sarcastically clap his hands. "You're still Number One! Dad would be so proud." 

Luther's face reddened at the tone, losing his grin. 

Five tutted. "Quality is more important than speed."

"I _did_ do… quality," Luther sputtered. "Look for yourself." 

"You _did_ do quality?" Klaus laughed. "What a quality sentence!" 

Luther hunched in on himself like a wounded turtle. It was almost pitiful enough to make Klaus feel bad. 

Almost. 

"I'll take a look later," Five said. "I hope I won't have to repaint." 

"You won't," Luther said. "Or… if you do, I'll do it. I'll do it slower." 

"Hmm." Five kept his gaze firmly on his strip of wall. "Well, if that's the case it'll have to wait until everything has dried. Tomorrow at the soonest." 

"Are you going to pick the brush back up, or what?" Ben said. 

Klaus made a big show of stretching his arms and cracking his back. "I need a lunch break!" 

Five looked at him in surprise. "Oh? Go on then. Actually." He put his own brush down and warped off the ladder, landing with a _whoosh_ at the center of the room. "Actually, I think you've both done quite enough already. I can take it from here." 

Klaus didn't need to be told twice. He was more than happy to call the job done and be on his way, but Luther stood blocking the door. Looking devastated. 

"Is it because I painted too fast?" Luther said. "I don't mind re-painting, Five. Really." 

"No no," Five said. "I just thought I've taken up more than enough of your time." 

Now _Ben_ looked devastated. "Tell him you were happy to do it, Klaus. Tell him-" 

"I've got loads of time," Luther said. "I can help with the last wall, I just didn't think I'd fit in between you and Klaus." 

Five shook his head. "I can finish on my own. It's nearly done." 

_"Klaus_ ," Ben whined. "Say something!" 

"What's the big deal?" Klaus whispered. "He wants to finish on his own." 

Five seemed just as puzzled. "Do you need something to compensate you?" Five scratched his chin. "Is there somewhere you wanted to go, or something you wanted me to do?" 

Now Luther looked offended. "I'm happy to help. I don't need to be _compensated_." 

Ben groaned. "They aren't understanding each other." 

I don't understand either, Klaus thought. 

"No, think of it like..." Five held out his hands, palms up, as he struggled for the right words. "Vanya and Klaus both like… well, nevermind." 

Then Five snapped his fingers and declared: "Thank you!" 

Klaus blinked.

"Thank you for your work today," Five clarified. "It was very helpful." 

The look on Luther's face was priceless. He reacted as if Five had just announced he'd been diagnosed with cancer.

As for Five, the little bugger looked _proud_ of himself. Like a kid who took the trouble to memorize his times tables and was pleasantly surprised when he got the numbers right. 

Klaus laughed so hard he started crying, bent over and clutching his stomach as the merriment rolled through him. Both his brothers were startled by the reaction and the looks they gave him made Klaus laugh even harder. 

Ben laughed too, though it was more subdued. "Say your welcome, Klaus. I think he meant to thank you too." 

But Klaus could barely _breathe_ , let alone get a word out. 

"What's so funny?" Luther said. 

Klaus shook his head, wiping the tears from his eyes, and squeezed past him. He was starting to feel claustrophobic, hemmed up with them in Five's little room.

Out in the hallway, Klaus could still hear Five's voice when he said: "I don't understand any of you." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was a crate full of whiskey and scotch. 

"I guess Dad had a contract with them," Luther said. "They just… they just sent it? Like, I think they give us… stuff… once a year or something." 

Luther said "stuff" as if alcohol was a curse word. They both stood over the box like… like two idiots who didn't know what to do with all these drinks.

"Don't tell Five," Klaus whispered. 

"I'll get rid of it," Luther said. He bent down to pick the box up and Klaus latched onto his arm to stop him. 

Not that he had the strength to actually stop Luther, but Number One had always been the type to hold himself back for politeness.

"Why can't we just drink it?" Klaus said. 

"I can't watch this," Ben said. 

"But you're sober now," Luther said.

"Can't I indulge every once in a while?" Klaus said. "Just a little?"

"I can't believe you," Ben said. "Why are you _like_ this?" 

Luther frowned at him. "Five says-" 

"Who made Five the boss of us?" Klaus said. "I thought _you_ were the leader." 

Luther blinked. "Well… but, I mean, Five is kind of the oldest now? So-"

"So what?" Klaus said. "You're still the leader. And c'mon don't you want to drink with me? You never get to let loose." 

"I let loose," Luther said. 

"Please stop," Ben said.

"A drink with your brother is fine every now and again," Klaus said. "It'll help us bond. Don't you want to bond?" 

Luther gazed at the bottles pensively. "I guess… if we just get one cup each?" 

"He won't stop after one drink," Ben said. 

"One cup each," Klaus agreed. "Sounds good!" 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They didn't stop after one drink. 

When Five found them Luther had his big ol' arm slung over Klaus's shoulder and they were stumbling around trying to dance. 

"Wha's this one called?" Luther said. 

"The fox thot?" Klaus giggled. "The fox is a thot!"

"What's a thot?" Luther said. 

Neither of them noticed Five until they heard the tale-tell sounds of shattering glass. 

Luther gasped and sprang into action, fists up and swinging at the empty air. 

"Good job, Number One," Five sneered. " _Great_ reflexes." 

He threw a bottle of scotch at Luther's head. 

Number One managed to dodge and the bottle smashed against the wall. 

"Not the _Glendronach Revival,"_ Klaus moaned. He fell on his knees before the splintered bottle. 

"Oh was that a favorite?" Five said. "What about this one?" 

And a bottle of _Jack Daniel's_ sailed through the air. This time Luther tried to catch it, but the whiskey had made him clumsy. 

The bottle broke apart like an egg, spilling its contents all over the carpet. 

The noise got Mom's attention. They all heard her clanking heels as she hurried into the room. "Boys! That's enough roughhousing." 

"I don't think it _is_ enough," Five said. "There are more bottles left." 

"That's not fair to Mom, now is it?" Klaus said. "Making such a big mess for her to clean up and all?" 

"Not at all-" Mom started to say, but Five cut her off. 

"Mother," he said. "You're not to clean any of this." 

Then he threw another bottle down. 

They all winced as it shattered. Well, except for Mom. She just looked confused. 

"Don't be silly," Mom said. "I'm always happy to-"

"Number One and Number Four will clean it up," Five said. "Seems fair enough, doesn't it?" 

"I'm so sorry, sir," Luther said. "I mean, Five. I mean… I didn't-"

"I don't want an apology from you," Five said. 

"But-"

"Not another word."

Luther snapped his mouth shut with a _click_ , straightening up with his arms clasped behind his back. 

_He's treating Five like Dad,_ Klaus thought. _Is it cause he's drunk?_

Five warped up on top of the bar and glared down at them with his arms crossed. "And Klaus? This week's bro date is canceled." 

"That's not fair!"

"It's a negative punishment," Five said. 

"I'll say!" Klaus said. "What the heck, what happened to positive reinforcement?" 

"I can give you a positive punishment, if you prefer." 

"I prefer," Klaus said. "Wait a minute! Is that the one where you hit me?" 

"Yes," Five grinned. He blinked across the room to stand right beside Klaus and raised a threatening hand, eyes glinting dangerously. 

Klaus backed away, shielding himself with a chair. "Why do you call them that? There's nothing positive about violence!" 

"I have neither the time nor the patience," Five said. "To explain the nuances of the English language to you, Klaus." 

"You just call them that to confuse me!" 

"Actually, I think he got the term from one of those dog training books," Ben said. 

Klaus gasped. "Do I look like a dog to you?!"

Without missing a beat, and almost at the same time, both Ben and Five said, "Yes." 

"I hate this family," Klaus said. "I hereby disown myself!" 

"Then I guess the bro dates are permanently canceled," Five said. "Since we're no longer brothers." 

Klaus squinted at him. "You're an evil little man." 

"Uh huh," Five made a big show of checking his watch. "I expect this room to be spotless by the time I return." 

"When will you come back?" Luther said. 

"In two hours." Then, with the usual flash of blue light, Five was gone. 

"He really _is_ the boss of you," Ben said. 

Klaus didn't dignify that with a response. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Allison strode into the Academy with her Hollywood smile, Luther trailing behind with her luggage like an oversized butler. 

“Klaus!” She made a big show of kissing him on both cheeks and giving him a big squeeze. “How’ve you been?” 

“Oh, you know.” Klaus waved an expansive hand. “Staying sober.” 

Diego snorted. Luther fidgeted and stared at the ceiling. 

“How was the flight?” Vanya’s mousy voice was muffled by the renewed volume of Allison’s hair as she took a turn for her own hug and kisses. “Did you-”

“You’re fucking _late,_ ” Diego said. “And I’m starving. Can we eat already?” 

“I missed you too, Diego,” Allison said.

They shuffled over to the dining room where Mom was waiting for them with a four course meal. Allison rewarded her with another set of hugs and kisses, gushing compliments. 

“Where the hell is Five?” Diego said. He turned to Luther, pointing an accusing finger. “Did you forget to tell him?” 

“I told him,” Luther said. “He, um, he might not… I think he already ate?” 

“I guess he’s busy,” Allison chirped. “No big deal.”

Klaus could tell from her sugary tone that it _was_ a big deal. He scooted his chair closer to hers and rubbed her shoulders sympathetically. 

“That fucking asshole.” Diego stomped over to the stairwell. 

Klaus covered his ears, ready for Diego to yell his lungs out.

“FIVE,” Diego roared. “GET DOWN HERE!”

“So much anger,” Klaus muttered. “Have you ever thought of-”

“FIVE!”

With a crackle and pop, Five teleported into the room. “Stop yelling already.” 

Five nodded towards Allison. “Welcome back.”

She managed to slap her Hollywood smile back on. “Five! Hey.” 

“We’re eating dinner together, you little shit,” Diego said. “Sit your ass down.” 

Instead Five blinked around the table gathering small samples of each dish into a bowl. He made a big show of roughly shoving a bread roll into his mouth.

Klaus cooed at the resulting chipmunk cheeks and Five flipped him off, trying to quickly chew and swallow.

“The fuck are you doing?” Diego said.

“I’m busy today.” Five spoke around a mouthful of bread. Then, to Allison, "How long are you in town for?" 

"Four days," she said. "Because-"

"Great, I'll see you tomorrow." 

And Five left as he had arrived, with a zap of blue light.

The rest of their family dinner was dominated by Diego’s angry ranting. “He has no goddamn respect,” Diego griped. “He doesn’t give a shit about this family.”

"Tell them it's Wednesday," Ben demanded. 

Dutifully, Klaus echoed the words. "It's Wednesday." 

Vanya gave him a confused look from across the table. "Um, yeah it is?"

"You have to explain why Wednesday is important, Klaus!" 

To Vanya and Ben both, Klaus said, "I don't actually know why Wednesday is important." 

Vanya exchanged a judgy look with Allison and Ben looked like he wanted to slap him.

There was really no winning with this family. 

"But you know it's important to him,” Ben said. “He's… he's stressed out over stuff on Wednesdays. He’s working on something."

“Just wait until tomorrow?” Vanya said, to Allison. “He said he wanted to see you.”

“Oh suuure,” Allison said. “He always looks so happy to see me.” 

“Eh, so you’re his least favorite sibling,” Klaus said. “So what? You’re _my_ favorite.” 

Allison dropped her fork.

“You’re not his least favorite.” Luther just about fell over himself to reassure her. “Klaus is joking. Right, Klaus?” 

“I’m totally joking,” Klaus said. Then he stuffed his face with mashed potatoes so he wouldn’t have to talk anymore.

“This is painful,” Ben said. “I am in literal pain.”

“Maybe his feelings were a little hurt?” Vanya said. “When you went back to California?” 

“Yeah right,” Diego sneered. “Five doesn’t have feelings in the first place.”

“Maybe you should try to talk to him,” Luther suggested. “When we’re done eating?”

“Oh _no,_ ” Ben said. “That’s a fight waiting to happen. Tell them he doesn’t like being bothered on Wednesdays.”

Klaus swallowed his mashed potatoes. 

“Klaus, _tell them_.”

“That’s a great idea, Luther,” Klaus said. “Talk things out. It’s the adult thing to do.”

“Why are you like this?” Ben said.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“You should follow her,” Klaus said. “Go listen in on the fight and report back with the gossip.” 

“I am not going to do that,” Ben said. "And if they really do fight I'm blaming you.”

"Whatever, spoilsport." 

So Klaus tiptoed down the hallway and strained his ears. Was Allison already _in_ Five’s room? He actually let her inside?

Klaus crouched over his foot outside Five’s closed door, recognizing Allison’s voice in there. 

"If anyone asks,” Klaus whispered. “I just happen to be tying my shoes." 

"You're wearing slippers." 

"I just happen to be tying my slippers." Klaus said. "Gawd, I can't hear _anything_ , but I bet as soon as I put my ear on the door it'll just slam open, _bam!_ And I'll fall on my face." 

"I hate that I've seen that happen before," Ben said. "Too many times." 

"I can't believe you snooped like that!" Allison shouted. 

"Oh! They're yelling now!" Klaus said. 

"... _public record_." Five wasn't quite yelling. 

Dammit. Klaus gave up and shoved his head towards the crack at the bottom of the door.

"You're a goddamn celebrity," Five was saying. "Or are you going to pretend you haven't noticed the articles? I'm not the only one keeping tabs on the court proceedings." 

"It's about Claire, I think," Ben said. "The custody battle with Patrick." 

"Oh shit!" Klaus whispered. 

"You still have no right to-" 

"To what?" Five said. "Give a damn?" 

"To sit here and try to, to _manage_ me and my problems," Allison said. "As if they have anything to do with you!" 

"Your family is my family," Five said. "As much as you might prefer to keep both sides separated-"

"What? Why would I 'prefer' that?" 

"I'm just saying-"

"You think I wanted it to be like this?" Allison said. "I want Claire to be able to… to meet her uncles and aunt one day. I want-"

"Then we want the same thing," Five said. "Now if you would just calm down and-"

"Calm down," Allison repeated, bitterly. "Like I'm this hysterical woman." 

Klaus couldn't make out what Five said next, but it didn't matter because Allison opened the door. 

She had probably been planning to storm out dramatically, but instead she almost tripped over Klaus. 

"Allison!" Klaus scrambled up. "Heeey." 

She sighed. "Hey, Klaus."

And she walked away without questioning him. 

"Eavesdropping, then?" Five didn't look surprised to see him. 

"Just a _little,_ " Klaus said. "So that custody battle, huh? What'd you say about it that offended her?" 

"As if you didn't hear for yourself," Five huffed. 

"I only caught the encore." Klaus stuck his foot in the doorway when Five tried to shut it. "Aw, c'mon. I'm _so_ curious."

Five rolled his eyes. "I told her to fire her lawyer. I don't trust him."

"Why doesn't he trust the lawyer?" Ben said. "Klaus, ask him why he-"

"But it's not like you've _met_ her lawyer," Klaus pointed out. "What's not to trust?"

"Ooh, good point," Ben said. 

"I don't need to meet him." Five waved a dismissive hand. "The entire _occupation_ is suspect." 

"Oh my gosh, _how?_ " Ben was at the edge of his seat now. "Ask him-" 

But Klaus didn't need to ask. Five plowed on. 

"If you were getting paid an extravagant hourly wage to work on a case wouldn't you drag your feet?" Five said. "Especially a celebrity case. You get free publicity at every hearing. Give fucking _interviews_ to the press, the leech-" 

"Oh Fivey," Klaus cooed. "How do you fit so much love into such a tiny body?" 

Ben grinned at him. 

"What?" Five pursed his lips. "Do hear the _words_ that come out of your own mouth, or do you just make approximate sounds and call them a sentence?" 

"You like to _talk_ like an asshole." Klaus waggled a finger. "But under that grouchy exterior-"

"Shut up, Klaus." Five stomped on his foot and Klaus instinctively pulled back, allowing Five to finally slam the door.

"Allison is probably just embarrassed," Ben said. "She'll see where he's coming from when she calms down. Probably." 

"Probably," Klaus agreed. 

"Well?" Ben said. "Aren't you going to say something more? Comfort him?" 

"And get my head bitten off?" 

"This mess is your fault in the first place," Ben said. 

"Not so!" 

"Yeah, so!" 

"Clearly the subject was gonna come up eventually," Klaus said. "So it-" 

"Would you loiter somewhere else?" Five shouted. "I can _hear_ you." 

"Tell him Allison's just embarrassed," Ben said. "Tell him-" 

"You know what?" Klaus said. "Why don't you tell him yourself, Benny boy?" 

He could only keep it up for a minute or two, but Klaus knew how to manifest Ben on command now. 

"Ben wants to talk to you!" Klaus shouted. 

"Go away, Klaus!"

Ben stared at his hands. "You did it? I'm solid?"

Five must have heard Ben's voice, because he teleported into the hallway faster than Klaus could say Madonna.

Five and Ben wore matching smiles as they regarded each other. Smiles that said "pleasantly surprised" and "holy shit, now what?" 

Five opened his freaking door with a politeness he normally wouldn't bother with. "Do you want to come in, Ben?

"Y-yeah." Ben glanced at Klaus. 

Klaus saluted. "I'll just _loiter_ out here." 

Ben could wander as far from Klaus as he wanted on a normal day, but solidity cut his leash short. 

"You do that," Five said. And they went into his room. 

Klaus pressed his ear against the crack under the door again.

"Um, I don't know what to say," Ben said.

"Tell him you love him!" Klaus shouted. 

In perfect synchronicity, Ben and Five both said: "Shut up, Klaus!"

Klaus laughed. 

_Damn,_ Klaus thought. _I'm such a good brother._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on Five is a problem solver: We take a closer look at Luther and Five's dynamic. There are some serious daddy issues goin' on there.


End file.
